i really like it! its totally cool! post a video of it and ill deff watch it

its need some work but!! i like it because its not the same old crap. so write some more and you will have a great song.
the only other thing i might say is that I would have trouble putting that to music, so if you can, i commend you.

it is FABULAHMAZING! i would listen to it !!!!!!!!!!!!!

you guyyys *hides red cheeks* thanks :D
to Charles: I probably will have trouble putting it to music, so if i post a video of it when its done will you judge it for me?
and to Emm and loseyourselffx: ehe thanks ^^

I like it a lot, except the "souls" line. That particular line sounds a bit banal.

yeah i know what you mean. i put hearts originally, as i write the sections seperately then 'mix and match', but then realised i used it before. any suggestions for a replacement?

Considering you wrote that only a few minutes ago, thats completely awesome. Actually thats really good all together.

i'll be waiting for the video

I'd scrap the line, rather than replace the word. It sounds like something James Blunt would sing. I guess, I'm just trying to say that 'imploding souls' sounds a bit cheesy to me. The rest of it sounds very real, though not descriptive. But, do not get me wrong- not being descriptive has its benefits; it makes it more open to interpretation and all that good stuff. Albeit undescriptive, I still get an image of the singer and the girl, and that works very well. It's just when I get to the imploding souls, the image disappears and I sit back and ask myself, "what the fuck is that supposed to mean?" Overwhelmed souls? Well, I supposed they'd explode. Well, I don't know and I don't care. I just don't like the line. I mean, there's a little bit of ambiguity throughout the whole thing (which I think is good, as I previously alluded to), but that line is so vague and cliche' that I just don't like it. Don't mean to be a wet blanket or none of that, but it's just what I think. For all I know, everyone else might like it.

As for suggestions to put there, I have none. I'm not going to write it for you. Don't take this the wrong way- if I were talking to you, you'd realize that my inflection is neither condescending nor boorish. I just think that this is your baby and I'm sure you'll figure it out.

I do have one other comment. It's kind of short, which again is necessarily bad, but that means one of, or a combination of, three things: 1) You'll repeat verses a lot; 2) It'll be a pretty short song, and/or 3) You'll have to write more. I just wanted to bring that up. I mean, I have a few songs that only last 1 and a half minutes and there's nothing wrong with that, but I thought I'd throw that out there.

****correction***

in the third paragraph, I meant to type "which again is NOT necessarily bad"

OH MY DAISIES if it sounds like james blunt im scrapping the entire song. what about if we take that line out and put instead:

Call me a metaphor, ill tell you a rhyme
but we better act now because there isnt much time
before honesty take a hold
and my only regret is that we werent on our own.

ok, i didnt need to type it all out, but ah well XD
its not very descriptive is it, and without all the euphemisms and evrything you were saying, raw honesty- is that bad?
and you werent wet blankety at all. just... constructively critical? which i appreciate very much.

and as for the length, if i add another stanza or whatever, but repeat it twice, how do we think that might work out?

thanks to everyone ^^

hey i liked the first one better just to let u kno