Forums > Songwriting > lyrics- oppinions
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Original message:446 days 13 hours 28 minutes ago
+ 1  
2
WebCred
Intro

Verse 1:
Deep in the stomachs of the Earth,
where infernal flames take birth,
creatures weep for the dawn of destruction.
From hence the beast sends his wrath,
none will stray the beaten path,
there born a man who marched with the satyrs.

Break 1:
Blessed are the hated and the traitors,
those that kill their hosts and care later,
Craving eternal might,
Rising, falling, dark by light,
They see but fire and no land...

Chorus:
Raised by the damned,
he knows no valor.
Rasied by the hate,
he seeks no glamour.
Under nightmarish gates,
unblessed souls await,
he rules with fear and dominion.

Verse 2:
From stony caves to magma rock,
where the evil souls are kept by lock,
they yearn for freedom, freedom and repentance.
He grants no leniency,
feels but animosity,
good, bad, live, dead, it makes little diffrence.

Break 2:
Blessed are the murderers and the thieves,
those that stole it all in mighty heaves,
Craving eternal might,
Rising, falling, dark by light,
They see but fire and no land...

Chorus

Solo.... oh yeah!

Verse 3:
In the gloom of the black,
the fated doom of attack,
he built his castle of stone and of metal.
Standing proud above the wastes,
Those that see it know their fate.
They are taken forever.

Break 2:
Blessed are the sinful and the lost,
they'd betray their family for a cost,
Craving eternal might,
Rising, falling, dark by light,
They see but fire and no land...

Chorus

Outro

id show the vid of me playing it but can't find it and cba to make a new one... the tune is heavy metal but i havent written the solo yet :(
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Reply:446 days 3 hours 35 minutes ago
Member: johnmarkh
    0  
162
WebCred
is this christian? it sounds like a song about lent.
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Reply:444 days 17 hours 47 minutes ago
Member: Backwards Savage
    0  
2
WebCred
not that i know of lol,
this song sort of shows tyranny in a different light,
but christian it is not :)
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Reply:444 days 7 hours 37 minutes ago
Member: johnmarkh
    0  
162
WebCred
oh. you really hate the queen that much?
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Reply:443 days 7 hours 15 minutes ago
Member: Grensley
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141
WebCred
7/10
nice idea, but it sounds a little corny.
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Reply:442 days 7 hours 50 minutes ago
Member: quixotic92
    0  
9
WebCred
agreed
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Reply:442 days 5 hours 14 minutes ago
Member: Boondar
    0  
53
WebCred
it'd be a good black metal song. good lyrical subject for one.
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Reply:442 days 4 hours 55 minutes ago
Member: bensokol
    0  
477
WebCred
it's alright, you need to work on it though. I give it a 6.5/10. It's not bad, but at the same time, it's not great. just work at it, and eventually you'll get it! maybe you could take a video of you playing the song, upload it onto youtube or google video, and post it. I am really interested to hear how this one progresses. Keep it up!
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Reply:440 days 23 hours 57 minutes ago
Member: The Flash
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2
WebCred
I think those lyrics rock
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Reply:439 days 20 hours 49 minutes ago
Member: RobsMad
    0  
53
WebCred
You have too many extra words that are uneeded to say what your trying to say, it also kinda seems like your trying to tell a story take a look at rise against and thrice lyrics there my favorite bands because i love there lyrical talent they have, they can tell a story with few words, try and take that into consideration, but you have very good lyrics to continue with excellent job don't stop.
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Reply:435 days 5 hours 12 minutes ago
Member: Alex Koepp
    + 1  
227
WebCred
Sounds like a country song
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Reply:428 days ago
Member: Def
    0  
19
WebCred
a bit banal, if you ask me.
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Reply:422 days 5 hours 47 minutes ago
Member: Buck
    0  
25
WebCred
I think it's very good for the style of song it is. I would really have to hear the music with it to determine if you've gone overboard on lyrics.
Your grammar and choice of words is impeccable but unfortunately alot of people may not understand all of them. The last thing you want to do is confuse your listeners...the musical portion may be awesome but may go unnoticed if people are stuck in a verse scratching their heads wondering what animosity means. You want them to get wrapped up in your song, not have them searching for a dictionary to understand it. On the other hand, you don't want the words too bland or cliche'....it's a tough thing to find a middle ground and still get your point across.
Keep at it though....you have excellent potential for songwriting.
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