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Original message:518 days 17 hours 25 minutes ago

+ 1

Member: Tres

2
WebCred

This is the first song I've ever written. I'm not really in the "know how" when it comes to songwriting. I just had an urge one day, started writing and this is what I have. I titled it, "Butterflies and Broken Dreams," Please constructive criticism only, I'm just trying to better myself as an aspiring songwriter and musician.

As we slip away into the sky
Questions still linger here in my mind
A land of broken dreams
A fantasy of blue and green

Butterflies and broken dreams
So far apart
Just like you and me
My only thought of you
Flies with the butterflies in my broken dream

Come find me
In the land of butterflies and broken dreams

Warm in the sunshine
I stand looking above
Looking for hope
In the land of butterflies and broken dreams

My music recommendations:

Reply:518 days 4 hours 29 minutes ago
Member: Captain Kelly

20
WebCred

I think its very good, a lot of poetic devices have been used which really make the sng sound more... mysterious, or deep.my only advice is that you use the butterflies and broken dreams too much for it to continue that subtle and mysterious atmosherey thing that comes across. i'd like to see what you do with it, cause so far its a great piece of work :D good luck

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Reply:518 days 3 hours 7 minutes ago
Member: Def

20
WebCred

using "broken dreams" is a ballsy move since Greenday just had Boulevard of Broken Dreams out a couple years ago. I don't mean to deter you from using it, but people will make that connection- I did.

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Reply:517 days 13 hours 4 minutes ago
Member: Captain Kelly

20
WebCred

i didnt. you go girl! (or guy. whatever)

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Reply:517 days 7 hours 19 minutes ago
Member: Emm

114
WebCred

yeah i think the butterflies and broken dreams line is in there alot but other than that i do like it

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Reply:517 days 5 hours 33 minutes ago
Member: xavier duncan

+ 1

1
WebCred

kinda emo but yeah it's great is it a rock or metal song or....
u could make a tab of it and people could rate that as well

Reply:509 days 12 hours 45 minutes ago
Member: Buck

26
WebCred

For a first time it's very good...you should be proud. Since it has no real structure as most songs go, to me the repeated use of "butterflies and broken dreams" helps form the hook which is the title of the song anyway.
But like Def said, you may want to change "broken" to something else...I was reminded of Green Day also.
Don't give up...you're off to a good start. Just be ready when you ask people to critique your song...you may not like the answers you get. You think you have something really special and people tear it apart....that's part of the somgwriting process. Like anything else the more you do it, the better you get.

My music recommendations:

Reply:509 days 9 hours 57 minutes ago
Member: Zabel Dentaro's Guitar Guide to Shred

23
WebCred

Agree with the broken dreams line. If you can come up with a song like this,
You can change the broken easily. To me, it's good.
Have it like Acoustic plucking or Lacuna coil style.
It'll fit. Keep it on...

My music recommendations:

Reply:472 days 7 hours 53 minutes ago
Member: Jimmy Burns

6
WebCred

Except for the broken dreams it was pretty good. keep it up.

Reply:472 days 7 hours 36 minutes ago
Member: Conor Mc Killen

45
WebCred

bravo!

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