Good songs require repetitive lines. A "hook" that draws the listener into your world. You have some good ideas, but there's no structure. Yes, I know... Poetic license, blah, blah, blah... That can mean something when you've already got a career as a songwriter, but even then you have to consider the masses.

If you're just intending to sell a song to your friends, then take all the license you want. If you're looking for a commercial success, then you need to bend to commercial expectations.

A hook is necessary.
Structure is necessary.
Catchy phrases are necessary.

Remember that you're telling a story of sorts when you write a song. The lines you have here present a foundation, but where is it going? Listeners want a resolution and there is none.

Don't take this wrong. We all start somewhere and we all make mistakes in the beginning. A good song can be seen, it doesn't have to be listened to, so music means little in the grand scheme of songwriting. Except that you keep to a meter, have a flow and consider the rhythm of your words when you write them. If you ignore this, then putting your words to music will be far more difficult. Focus on your writing and getting your words to evoke a definite response from those who read them. (Here, (g.com,) is a good place. There are many who are not your "friends" who will be honest about what you write. Friends tend to placate you with, "I love it!" Which generally means, "I don't know what I'm talking about and don't want to hurt your feelings.")

I'd love to see you take this idea further. And above all else... Don't make it so personal that no one else will understand. Songs should be universal. The more "generic" you can make your personal feelings, the more people it will touch.