I think it's great. It says to me that you're surrendering to nature and trying to fight off "reality". Is that close to your intention?

For the punk/ska genre, it's what I'd expect.

"Also, this isn't a poem that is meant to be very metaphoric or mysterious, I wrote it to be more straightforward and honest."

From your statement here, I expected it to express a "distinct" feeling.

1. You were consistant with your tense. This is a typical fault of many new writers. They start in the first person and end up in the third. You didn't. Plus for you.

2. You kept with the theme of thunder and storms. Another plus as many new writers also wander, putting too many different thoughts into a single effort.

3. I know there's poetic license, but people listening to songs "expect" structure. In the first and second quatrains, you rhymed the first and third lines as well as the second and fourth. In the third and fourth, you didn't. This change in internal "style" can be confusing for the listener.

4. You should have a repeating "theme" line. Much like the last two lines. This would be known as the "hook" and should be prominent in your song. It should be simple and catchy and something that people are going to want to, (or better yet, unknowingly,) repeat to themselves. This is what makes a song take off and is usually the title as well. WIth hook as title and people getting it stuck in their heads, the title of your song is suddenly on the lips of every listener.

5. You have a good idea here, but need to develop it more. The real key to a good song is making it EVERYONES song. Or at least as many as possible! Most of us usually start with something very personal, as that's what brings the inspiration. As you look at it, put yourself in someone else's place and see if you can feel what you're saying from that perspective. In this instance, how does thunder affect most people? Do they hide from it? Are they afraid of it? Remember that thunder is born of lightening, so you can play one against the other. And see if you can't find some metaphores for them. SInce I brought up the lightening it cuts, stabs, slices and dices, (nah, forget the dicing, I was turning this into an infomercial for some cheap kitchen applicance.) Thunder can frighten, soothe, shake, rattle & roll, (there I go again!) You get the idea.

6. It's not a matter of being mysterious, but using a metaphore allows you to explain what this feeling is that you get and why you don't want it to be taken from you. You've established a foundation, but I can't see what you're building very clearly here. You have some good word groupings, but they're disjointed and unclear. Like the first verse where you start out saying "It feels good..." and then comparing it to, "...a world torn asunder," which by definition wouldn't feel very good.

Hope that helps.

Thanks alot, yea you are actually pretty spot on with your interpretation. It's mostly about waking up at 4 am to a violent thunder storm, but instead of reacting with fear, being grateful that you've been given a chance to feel something other than the grief that's been sort of surrounding your world. A little bit different, but whatever, it's how i feel. Thanks for the feedback. :)

"...instead of reacting with fear, being grateful that you've been given a chance to feel something other than the grief that's been sort of surrounding your world."

There it is! This is what you should be expressing clearly and distinctly. Tell us how this makes you feel alive and thankful for those feelings. I know your genre expects some doom and gloom usually, so a verse of comparrison of the gloomy morning storm starting the day, with the generally gloomy outlook you would usually wake up with, even when it's sunny, but didn't because of a different "gloom" would help explain what you're feeling.

Remember that most people don't like puzzles in their music. A few songs have stood that test of time, "American Pie" for example, but for the most part, if you write with the purpose of making people figure out what you mean, then you have a song that probably won't go very far.

thanks for the input, i'll try to work on making it more clear.

Do you have any way of recording? even if it's just a cheap computer mic, I'd like to hear how these lyrics fit within a song. A lot of times, even cheesy-sounding lyrics can sound fantastic on the right backdrop.

Yours are far from cheesy, so I'd really have to hear how it all fits before I judge the songwriting!

Lyrically, I think Xark hit the nail on the head. A bit of an English major, Xark?